Shanks Mulligan (Illustrations by Adam Goudelock)

 As a service to our readers, GolfNorthCarolina.com brings you commentary and advice each month by the legendary hacker Shanks Mulligan. Mr. Mulligan' credentials speak volumes as to his expertise in the game of golf.

Shanks Mulligan once won the coveted "closest to the pin" contest at a  1995 Special Olympics Benefit Tournament. He presently plays to a mind boggling 27 handicap and, while he has broken no records at any golf course, he HAS broken three putters, four drivers and a 60 degree wedge. One of his drivers can still be seen in an oak tree thirty yards off the tee box on number 16 at Hawksnest Golf Club in Banner Elk.

With credentials such as these, we know you, the average golfer will appreciate Shank's "special" outlook on the game of Golf. We urge our readers to email Mr. Mulligan with any questions you might have about the game, your swing problems, tips and even etiquette. He will happily answer these questions in subsequent editions of this feature.

We give you....Shanks Mulligan

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm extremely proud to be given this forum so that I may impart my vast wisdom to you, my adoring fans. As many of you know, golf can be a frustrating game. My mission in life is to help the average golfer ENJOY the game of golf.

Now to your letters...

Hi Shanks,

I am an average golfer.  I have bought the most expensive clubs on the market.  I continue to drive my balls 150 yards from my driver.  Just a few dimensions to give you an idea of what I am working with.  I am 5’2”, weigh 285 lbs., I am pigeon-toed and cross-eyed.  I just don’t seem to make par on any holes.  Can you recommend anything I can do to help my golf game?  Thanks for your help in advance.

Frustrated Dude

Dear Frustrated,

I can understand how you might be frustrated but I gotta tell you pal….If you’re an ‘average’ golfer….I’m a Chinese test pilot.

Now that I have disabused you of the ridiculous notion that you are even remotely in the vicinity of ‘average’ let me address your problem.

Being short, overweight, cross-eyed and pigeon toed IS indeed a tough hill to climb, but after all, look how far Hillary Clinton has gone with the exact same afflictions.  Of course, Hillary isn’t a golfer but….you catch my drift.  Look at the other golfers who have overcome physical problems.  Craig Stadler has successfully hauled his tonnage around the course for years.  Ben Hogan came back from a near fatal car crash.  Hell, Colin Montgomerie even overcame manboobs!

Now to your real issue.

You have all these other problems dude, why in the name of Arnold Palmer would you stand 150 yards from your balls?  Take my advice and keep those bad boys with you….the additional testosterone will allow you to get more distance on your shots. 

Trust me on this dude…you can play with the best of clubs on the planet but if you are a cross-eyed, pigeon toed, obese midget standing 150 yards away from your ‘package’….you ain’t gonna get any better!

Reclaim your balls and work your game.

Dear Shanks,

What is your stance on the long “broom handled putters” some players are using today?

George Filmore

Charlotte, NC

George,

I’m perfectly ok with them!! The longer the handle, the better as far as I’m concerned. Just recently,  I had a great putter custom built for me which features a truly unique handle. Have you ever seen the poles the power company uses to change fuses on light poles? You can’t believe the look on your opponent’s face when you whip that bad boy out to measure your two club length relief from a hazard!! Not to mention… I can “tap in” from the fringe!

Shanks

Dear Shanks,

If I use a floater ball and it actually lands in the water where it’s not too deep, is it legal to chip it out while it is floating or do I have to take a penalty stroke and lay it out of the water.

Thanks,

Skipper Merman

Longboat Key, Florida

 
Skipper,

Some of you guys out there make me want to duct tape my head so my brain doesn’t explode!!

Your question is sort of like a bank robber being worried that he’s going to get a speeding ticket while fleeing in a stolen getaway car!

Skipper, if you’re gonna use ANY piece of illegal equipment you may as well embrace the flaunting of ALL RULES. Once you join the ranks of those of us who refuse to be constrained by the obviously unreasonable RULES of GOLF, the words “penalty stroke” and “illegal” should no longer be part of your vocabulary. The official rules of golf are obviously and blatantly “talent biased” against those of us who can’t play worth a damn!! It’s EASY to follow the rules when you can unfairly drive the ball straight and far and putt like Byron Nelson!! Therefore, I say it’s ok to cheat like a French arms inspector! Hold your head high and GO WITH IT! Don’t slouch around looking furtively like a rat trying to steal some cheese…cheat like a man damn it!! Nothing bothers me more than to see some guy trying to nonchalantly kick a ball a couple of inches at a time hoping no one will see him. Kick the hell out of it! I have actually developed a patented golf shoe I proudly refer to as the “Mulligan's Foot Wedge”. This Shank's Custom shoe features a sixty degree loft toe plate with an inner sole cushion to reduce damage to my big toe. I use it with pride even though I once broke my own nose attempting to pitch/kick a ball over a low rock wall.

The point I’m trying to make is simple. We don’t need no stinkin’ rules!! We are blessed to live in America…a land where rules and common sense are more rare than brain cells at a rap concert. To his credit, former commander and chief, William Jefferson Clinton really helped golfers in this respect. No…...it’s not the way he cheated on his wife or even how he deftly challenged the meaning of the word “IS”. It’s the way old Slick Willie cheated at GOLF! By all accounts, the man is a master at cheating and didn’t give a fat interns rear end who knew it! The Secret Service agents who protected Bubba swear that he never played a single hole without cheating! The man had such a prodigious pair that he once, legend has it, filled out and signed his scorecard while sitting in a cart at the first tee box! I say, “Hail to the Chief”!! So Skipper ….in closing, when it comes to the rules of golf, I reserve the right to “bend ‘em like Beckham”!!

Go forth and pad that scorecard!

Dear Shanks,

 What’s the best way to get blood stains off a 2 Iron, without blemishing the finish on the club and shaft?

 Angelo Luciano.

Angelo,

 I find that if you thoroughly wipe down the club with a strong solution of Scotch and water using the victims own golf shirt, you will effectively remove the blood, tissue and DNA evidence. I hope this helps. And remember…deny, deny, deny!! The worst part of getting caught isn’t the death penalty…it’s those long stretches in prison! I recently learned that most penal facilities DO NOT have golf courses! Talk about cruel and unusual treatment!!

 Good Luck Angelo, hit ‘em good. (Probably shouldn’t have said that)

 Shanks

Dear Shanks

Mercer,

Nice try pal! I was nowhere near your house on the day in question and even if I was (which I wasn't) I don't use Titleist balls with a SM monogram. However, you broach a subject which fairly cries out for my unique commentary.

First of all.....what kind of moron would buy a home on a golf course?

Having personally bombed many a fine golf course residence in my illustrious career, I am constantly amazed at the way the occupants will ALWAYS stagger out as though an errant Cruise missile had crashed through their roof. They appear to be shocked and appalled to discover that, lo and behold, they live ON A FREAKIN' GOLF COURSE! To me, this is akin to buying a home near a busy airport and getting angry every time a jet roars in for a landing.

As my Uncle Bill used to say  "When you go swimming in the ocean wearing a pork chop bathing suit, don't be shocked if you lose a leg or two". No one really knows why he always said this but he was right!

Even though I have damaged several fine course side homes, I have yet to  "face the legal music" so to speak. My fool proof method of dealing with this touchy situation is to immediately drop a ball NOT matching the one I  mortared his home with and assume the 'address' position as though concentrating intensely on my next shot until the angry owner appears. At this time, I  point to my least favorite playing partner and say, "Boy...he really shanked that one didn't he?". Admittedly, you lose a few playing partners this way but hey....losing a friend isn't near as costly as paying for some old geezer's Ming vase!

I realize this doesn't exactly answer your question Mercer but I'm not an attorney nor would I admit it if I were.

Dear Shanks,

What would you do if you were to discover that your playing partner was playing with more than the regulation fourteen clubs in his bag?

Ben
Atlantic Beach, NC


Ben, 

Your question is very welcomed because I've been meaning to address this subject for years....

What's up with all the rules in Golf? Have you checked out the official rule book? It contains THIRTY FOUR rules  AND the additional "War and Peace" sized edition of supposedly "clarifying" decisions? Does this make any sense? It's just a simple GAME! Think about it folks...you only have to follow ten rules to sit at the right hand of GOD for eternity but golf has the audacity to issue THIRTY FOUR!! I'm sorry but a guy who carries the much needed "extra" four clubs should not be cast into Golf hell! In a world where laws and religious tenets are bent like a gull winged duck hook, surely there is room for some tolerance in the world of golf! I contend that if a Hank can marry a Frank and a sitting President can redefine the meaning of the word "is"....I damned well oughta be able to use as many golf clubs as I wish!!!

Whew!!! I'm feeling MUCH better now.

(For those of you who don't know which "extra" clubs are needed for the perfect round of golf, here they are)

1)- You really need a beat up old pitching wedge for those times when your ball comes to rest on a freakin' rock which shouldn't be there in the first place. With green fees being as high as they are, each golf course SHOULD employ a full time Rock Boy!!

2)- A beat up old nine iron with an easily breakable shaft is a 'must have' for those times on the course (and we've ALL had 'em) when nothing provides relief like a golf club snapped across ones knee.

3)- Real men need an oversized, not even legal in South America, flubber filled Driver for those occasions when you are repeatedly out driven by a young steroid filled bucket of muscle who's constantly yelling, "Whoa!!! That one oughta have a stewardess on it!"

4)- Last but certainly not least.....you just gotta have the customized Big Bertha knock off which will hold exactly one fifth of your favorite nerve medication.

Rules? We don't need no stinkin' rules!

Dear Shanks,

I feel as though I'm not quite able to take my game to the "next level". I practice many hours per week and play at least three times per week but I can't seem to bring my handicap down any lower than a 3. Any tips?

Frank
Conover, NC

Frank,

Do I have any advice you ask? Yeah Frank, I've got ONE really choice piece of advice for you....you Putz! Don't EVER let me hear you whining about playing to a 3 handicap again! If you do, I will trace your email, find your home, drag you into the street and beat you to death with a five iron while screaming "Any tips?" over the anguished howls of your on looking children!!
Have a nice day.

Dear Shanks,

I'm in the market for a new set of golf clubs and would like your advice as to which brand to purchase. Which brand do you endorse?

William
Lake Norman, NC

William,

Being a well known golf guru, you would think that the manufacturers would be more than happy to pay me to endorse their products.... wouldn't you? As it turns out, I received a letter a few months ago from an attorney representing every manufacturer known to mankind threatening to sue me if I EVER mentioned their names.....even in private! Can you imagine what my life is like now? I can only play "Pong" with my kids and I have my clothes made by a "clothes maker"! On the bright side though......it allows me to be on a first name basis with the greatest golfer of our time or, as I call him......."Jack".

Dear Shanks,

I am a tennis player who HATES golf AND all golfers! Tennis is a much better game and it's a far superior form of exercise than golf. I'm of the opinion that golfers are just a bunch of sissy's. Tennis players are much tougher than golfers....you HAVE to be tough to play through a bout of "Tennis Elbow"!

Chase
Salisbury, NC

Chase,

First things first.....Chase, you need to find your "happy place". Secondly, what the hell kind of name is "Chase" for a man? Then again, I would imagine with your crappy attitude, you picked up that nickname on the school yard while running away from a well deserved butt whippin'!
I really have no dislike for tennis players (except for Chase) but you have to be crazy to play tennis. Golf is a far superior sport. Tennis players have to drink GatorAde while playing, golfers drink anything they want. Hell, I've seen guys drain thirty foot twisting putts after draining a fifth of Scotch! I'll bet you couldn't hit a backhand with a bass fiddle after two beers!!
Tough? What's so tough about "tennis elbow"? Have you ever tried to play through a bout of "golf ball"?
I rest my case Chase.

Dear Shanks,

Where the heck do you get off giving other golfers advice about their game? You're a horrible golfer, you dress like an idiot and your temperament on the golf course is deplorable. You couldn't hit the ball out of your own shadow if it was twelve o'clock noon! How did you get the job? I heard it's because your brother Mike is the C.E.O. of GolfNorthCarolina.com! Is this true?

Incredulous
Hickory, NC

Dear Mom,

Look....I'm sorry I didn't make it down for Easter! Gimme a break I'm working here!!

Dear Shanks Mulligan,

My wife has accused me of being a golf addict. I suppose it could be true. I play at least five times a week, spend hundreds of dollars each month on the game and, to be honest...I love golf much more than I love my wife!

What can I do?

 Frank the Golfaholic
Havelock, NC

 
Dear Golfaholic,

Through the years, Golfers have suffered greatly with this problem. As a result, I have devised a fool proof three step program for solving this age old dilemma. Before I get to the sure fire tips I must warn you...The main thing to remember is this: DO NOT GET A DIVORCE!! Alimony and child support will seriously damage your ability to pay for the important things in life...such as Golf,  Golf equipment and of course, drinks at the clubhouse.

Now for the tips:

1) Encourage your wife to take up a hobby such as solitary heavy drinking or drug use. It's only fair that SHE too has an addiction.

2) Find your wife a lover. The beauty of this option is that she'll stop ragging on you about golf and will actually encourage you to play even more often. With any luck at all, she'll run off with the guy and you can charge HER with desertion!!

If the first two ploys don't work, I'm sad to say that you will be forced to resort to....the dreaded number THREE.

3) Get your wife involved in playing golf WITH YOU!! Nothing will cure your golf addiction and suck all the joy out of your game faster than having to play golf with your wife.  Golf will never appeal less to you than when you have to stop six times between the Ladies Tee's and the green on a par three.

 
Dear Shanks,

As a fledgling golfer, could you give me some "rule of thumb" guidelines as to the average yardage I should get from each individual club? I'm very frustrated with the game and could really use some help!

Steve

Charlotte, North Carolina

 
Dear Steve,

As you know Golf is a very frustrating game and I do feel your pain. However, there is no "average" yardage per club. The yardage of each club is dependent on several factors such as age, sex, condition, size, strength, flexibility and, even the technique of any given golfer. In my particular case, I'm 6'1 2?5 lbs, 50 yrs old and in relatively disgusting condition. I can usually get about 50 yds with my putter and 60 yds or so with my driver. Of course, you can't get quite as much distance with the irons because of the lighter club head weight but, once, when I was REALLY ticked off, I threw my one iron at least 75 yds onto the patio and through the living room of a condo at a golf resort on the coast which, for obvious reasons, shall remain nameless. To this day, that toss is my personal best.

Hope this helps you Steve

 Dear Mr. Mulligan,

I am sick and tired of the horrible language used by many golfers on the course and in the clubhouse. I'm tired of hearing it and I just want it to stop!! Any suggestions?

Tender Ears in Winston-Salem

 
Dear Tender Ears,

It's really quite simple. Find the biggest, meanest, most foul mouthed angry golfer you can find and tell him to shut his ugly foul mouth! Your sense of hearing should shut down almost immediately. Of course...the other four senses will probably stop working as well but, hey...you'll get your wish.....you wimpy little &!!$!!

Editors Note: Be sure and check back regularly for more pearls of golf wisdom from Shanks Mulligan.

The GolfNorthCarolina.com staff

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