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Just Rewards
Three men who had been avid golfers
all their lives, were at the gates of heaven. St. Peter told them
that past the gates of heaven was the greatest golf course ever
created. He also said that you would be given a set of golf clubs
based on how faithful you had been in your life. The first man
went to St. Peter and admitted that he had cheated on his wife
twice. St. Peter said that it was a bad thing that he did, so he
gave him a middle of the line set of clubs.
The next man went before St. Peter and admitted that he had
cheated on his wife once. St. Peter said that it was a bad thing
that he did, but since he only did it once, he gave him a decent
set of clubs. The third man went to St. Peter and said that he had
never cheated on his wife, so St. Peter gave him a set of Big
Bertha oversized clubs and irons.
A few days later the first two men were teeing off on the first
hole and they saw the third man with his Big Bertha clubs, sitting
on the side of the fairway crying. "You got the best set of clubs.
What are you crying about?" one of the men asked.
"Well, I just saw my wife coming off of the 18th green and all
that she was carrying was a 7 iron and a putter," the man replied.
Alien Gallery
An alien spaceship hovered over a golf course.
Two aliens were watching a solitary golfer practicing on a golf
course. This was a new golfer and they watched in amazement.
The golfer duff his tee shot, shanked his second into the rough,
took three to get out of the rough into the fairway, slice the next
shot into the bushes, took a putter to get it out on the fairway
again.
Meanwhile, one alien told the other that he must be playing some
sort of game and they continued to observe the golfer.
Hit a great shot into a bunker by the green. He took several shots
to get out of the bunker and finally on to the green. He putted
several times until he finally got into the hole. At this stage, the
other alien told his partner, "Wow, now he is in serious trouble".
Brotherly Love
Two brothers were
playing a game of golf and were all square on the 18th. The first
brother sliced his shot
off to the left, and the ball came to rest
on the cart path. His brother smashed it
straight down the middle.
"Oh well," said the first
brother, "at least I
get a drop off the cart path."
"Hell no," said the other brother, "we
play the ball as it lies."
"OK," said the first brother, as he
dropped his brother off in the middle of
the fairway.
The second brother found the green, and
could not resist smiling as he saw sparks coming off the cart path
for the practice swings. Finally the brother
hitting off the cart path addressed his ball and swung it well,
leaving a miraculous shot 3 feet from the pin.
Upon returning, the brother in the middle
of the fairway commented, "I've gotta hand to you
bro...that was a great shot.... what club did you use???"
His brother grins and says, "Your six iron!".
Red Tee Riders
A foursome of ladies came back after a round
of golf. At the 19th hole in the Clubhouse, the Pro asked them "How
did your game go?"
The first said she had a good round with 25 riders. The second said
she did OK with 16 riders. The third said not too bad since I had 10
riders. The fourth was disappointed and said that she played badly
with only two riders.
The Pro was confounded by this term "rider" but not wanting to show
his ignorance just smiled and wish them better golf the next time.
He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Jerry, can you
tell me what does this term 'riders' mean?" Jerry smiled and
explained that a "rider" is when you have hit a shot long enough to
take a ride on a golf cart.
Till golf do you part
The
Groom waited impatiently by the altar as the beautiful Bride FINALLY
made her way to his side. He turns to face the preacher with his
soon to be wife. As she turns, she sees his golf bag leaning against
the altar. Her face turns red as she angrily hisses "What in the
hell are your golf clubs doing here?" The exhales loudly and in a
boyish whine says "AWWW MAN! This is gonna take all day isn't it?"
She's a giver...
Sam and Becky are
celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to Becky,
"Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?" Becky
replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't
want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really
wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you
a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over
the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever,
to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you
were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch
you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do
the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe that you would do such a thing
for me! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. I couldn't be
more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be
president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
'Miss'-diagnosis
Two women were playing golf. On the
third hole there was a 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards
down the fairway. The first woman said, "I'll
tee off, there's no way I'll ever hit into those
guys". She hit the drive of her life, like a
shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her
lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on
the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a
registered Nurse." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his
side. She then unzipped his pants and
began to gently massage him.
"How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "It
feels so good I've almost forgotten about my broken thumb."
Golf "Outing"
Four men went golfing
together one day; three headed to the first tee and one went into
the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started
talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others,
"My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a
friend a new home - for free."
The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a
multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two
Cadillacs."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock
broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire
stock portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking
care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking
about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well,
my son is gay. I'm not totally thrilled about it, but he must be
good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a
stock portfolio."
Honest...I lied
A married man and his
secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office
early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon
of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8PM later
that night. They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary
to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks
this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The
wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.
The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are
having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made
love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That's why I'm late!"
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see
those grass stains all over your shoes. You've been playing golf
again, haven't you!"
Golf Math
The owner of a golf course in Georgia
was confused about paying an invoice, so
he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said "You graduated from the
University of Georgia. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how
much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment,
then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
Golf Grammar Lesson
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing
lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?''
she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a
vain attempt to do the same thing."
Good
Deal
Bill and Ralph step up to the first tee box. Bill says, "Hey,
guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" Ralph replies
enthusiastically, "What a great trade!"
Mean Hook
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular
club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was
walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him
and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty
minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and
off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto
the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went
out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The
fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned
down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and
lower my right thumb."
All Too True
When a struck ball unintentionally veers to the left
it is known as a hook.
When a struck ball unintentionally veers to the right it is known as
a slice.
When a struck ball does not veer but instead flies straight forward
it is known as either a lie or a miracle.
Proper Etiquette?
A rather large man was standing on the Ladies tee
box, just about to address his ball. Out of nowhere, a pompous, over
officious ranger come into view screaming at the guy. "My God man!!
Proper golf etiquette forbids a man to tee off from the Ladies Tees!
I am OUTRAGED!!" The red faced golfer storms over, grabs the ranger
by the front of his shirt, lifts him off the ground and growls.
"What does etiquette say about a ranger interrupting a man's third
shot?"
No Way Dude
A guy is taking forever to hit his shot.
He checks the wind, looks up and down several times, fidgets, grips
and readjusts his grip. This goes on for what seems like an eternity
while his player partner stands waiting impatiently. Finally his
partner explodes. "Come on man!! Hit the freakin' ball already!
What's the hold up here?"
"Well, my wife is up there watching me on the club house deck and I
want to hit a perfect shot." he said.
"I've
seen you play dude...ain't no way in hell you're gonna hit her from
here."
Arnie
and Tiger
Arnold Palmer and Tiger Woods are playing the 16th hole, when
Tiger's tee shot lands behind a huge, 100 foot fir tree. Tiger looks
at Arnie and says, "How would you play this one? Lay up and take the
extra stroke?"
Arnold replies: "When I was your age, I'd just play right over this
tree."
Tiger, not wanting to be shown up by an aging Arnold Palmer,
proceeds to hit the ball high, but not high enough. It bounces off
the tree and lands out of bounds. Tiger, really ticked at this
point, asks Arnold how he EVER hit a ball over that tree.
Arnold replied: "Well, when I was your age, that tree was only three
feet tall."
Good Deal
Bill and Ralph step up to the first tee box. Bill says, "Hey,
guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" Ralph replies
enthusiastically, "What a great trade!"
I've just killed my wife
I've just killed my wife," cried the hysterical golfer rushing
into the clubhouse. "I didn't see her. She was behind me you see,"
he sobbed, "and I started my back swing and clipped her right
between the eyes. She must have died on the instant."
"What club were you using?" asked a concerned bystander.
"Oh, the No. 2 iron."
"Oh, oh," murmured the other, "that's the club that always gets
me into trouble too."
The Big Hitter
The pro at the country club was rude. When he beat you on the
golf course he not only took your money he then told you everything
you did wrong and suggested that you would never be able to hit the
ball out of your own shadow. One of the members had enough, so he
bought a gorilla and trained it to play golf. He then set up a game
with the pro--$1000 a side with automatics.
The day of the match arrived and all parties were ready. The
first hole was a par five of 575 yards. The pro teed off splitting
the fairway some 270 yards out.
The gorilla lumbered up to the tee. Placed the ball on the ground
and made a mighty swing. The ball rocketed off the clubface 100,
200, 300, 400, 500, 575 yards and stopped 5 inches from the cup.
The pro just about fell out of his pants. If this was an
indication of the way things were going to go then he would never
live it down. Pretending to remember that
he had urgent business across town, he agreed to
pay off the bet and forfeit the match.
As they walked from the tee the pro asked, "How does he putt?".
The member smiled and said, "The same as he drives, 575 yards!"
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